“WOODCHIPPER MASSACRE” (1989)

Starring: Jon McBride, Denice Edeal, Tom Casiello, Patricia McBride, Kim Bailey and Perren Page
Written and Directed by Jon McBride
Camp Motion Pictures

Polly Staffle Rating: ****

Jon McBride made the classic “Woodchipper Massacre” with $400 in 1989. With inflation and the frugalness of digital filmmaking, that’s like making a movie for fifty cents today. Okay, maybe not that cheap, but you get the idea. Shot on the now defunct format of Super VHS, McBride rented a woodchipper for a weekend and set out with the idea of creating a project that was “The Brady Bunch” meets “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” I’m not so sure how successful he was in pulling that concept off, but what he did end up with is a highly entertaining movie.

For those wanting gore, there isn’t any here. Massacre in the title and the bloody DVD art are both misleading as there are only two deaths that are cleaner than an episode of “Father Knows Best.” One death scene is an elderly lady that is accidentally stabbed with a Rambo survival knife, frozen and then put through the woodchipper. The other is a Gérard Depardieu-looking guy (Kim Bailey) that is pushed head first into the big piece of machinery. There’s no blood or pink pureed flesh spewing from the other end of the chipper during the kills. The scenes are actually suitable for primetime television. Not surprisingly, sitcoms were the main inspiration for this goofy horror comedy that’s more about a Partridge or Cleaver family than a Manson or Firefly clan. Fans of the old TGIF lineups of the late 80’s, Saturday morning live action shows of the 90’s and the “oh man … golly gee” programming of the 50’s and 60’s are all in for a treat.

The film opens with a crawl stating that over 78,000 people were killed in 1989 by family members in the United States. “One in ten of these murders are never solved and written off as unexplained disappearances, due to the fact that bodies are never found and disposed of in most ingenious ways,” it reads, warning, “This is one such story.” With that sort of intro, I expected to be in for based-on-reality horror, but I knew something was up right off the bat when a young man named Jon (producer, writer and director Jon McBride) dressed in attire that both Ed Gein and Kurt Cobain were fond of, cranks up a chainsaw and proceeds to cut up … tree limbs. He then … dun, dun, dun … places them in a woodchipper. His father (Perren Page) has a quick exchange with Jon about finishing the yard work over the weekend while he goes out of town. They share a “what’s the worst that could happen” chuckle. The screen then turns red and the credits roll.

Jon is a cross between film critic Joe Bob Briggs and Bob Saget’s Danny Tanner on “Full House.” He plays the older brother, 19, to a redheaded freckle faced boy Tom (Tom Casiello), 13, and his blonde-haired mullet wearing sister Denice (Denice Edeal), 16. Tom, who actually went on to be an Emmy winning writer for soap operas, looks like he could have been the stunt double for the kid in “Problem Child.” Denice, on the other hand, would have been right at home as an extra on “Saved by the Bell” with her huge dangling pink earrings and her vibrant outfits. The over the top dialogue of Tom and Denice is delivered in the fashion of “The Little Rascals.” It is a kind of a yelling back and forth, devoid of emotion. I’m not sure if it was completely intentional or if the actors are overcompensating for background noise, but either way, it works and adds to the film’s overall weird vibe.

While their dad goes out of town on business, their creepy Aunt Tess (Jon’s real mother Patricia McBride) comes in to baby-sit. She’s a mean version of Granny from “The Beverly Hillbillies” that could be described as a God-fearing, take no prisoners kind of woman that feels she isn’t just there to make sure the house runs smoothly, but is instead there to whip the kids’ minds and manners into shape, while fattening their bodies up with slop.

She calls the kids morons and says things like “ding darn” and “don’t you have the sense God gave a goose.” She also believes horror movies make their viewers into murderers and all rock musicians are on drugs, hiding demonic passages in their songs. “Save us from the power of Satan and from the vile and evil thoughts that squirm, permeate and gestate within our souls like maggots in a rotting and decomposing corpse,” she says during a pre-dinner prayer.

Later during her first night there, she tells Jon to cancel his date. “Call that little tramp and tell her to corrupt somebody else tonight,” she says. So the siblings all stay in to watch a scary movie on television. Aunt Tess soon squashes that idea and sends them all to bed early on a Friday night. Jon protests with, “A lot of my friends like horror movies and I can personally vouch for them when I say not one of them has turned into a sniper or killed a baby.” But it’s no use.

The next day is much of the same abuse from Aunt Tess. We are also treated to a great air guitar scene with Tom before the mailman comes delivering his much anticipated survival knife. Dad gave Tom the money to purchase the knife, but Aunt Tess protests to the boy having the item. So instead of the 80’s relic bringing joy, it begins the trio’s real dilemma of what to do with Aunt Tess’ corpse after Tom accidentally kills her.

Tom fears he will never get the ten-speed bicycle he has always dreamed of and worries he’ll get the electric chair. Denice suspects she’ll be kicked out of the Girl Scouts, but delights in the possibility of going on talk shows to discuss her murderous brother. Luckily Jon is the voice of reason for the family unit and a plan to splatter the body all over the front lawn is devised. But like they say, once you commit that first murder, it only gets easier. Don’t worry, this is no mean spirited tragedy with things spinning out of control. It’s actually a feel good film about family bonding. Music similar to something that would be on the soundtrack of a PBS special discussing the wonderful world of local libraries plays as the kids work together to clean the yard as Dad heads home early. The brothers and their sister pull off a quick “everything is wonderful and in its place” ending a la “Risky Business” and “Weird Science” in time to greet their father with a unison “Hi Dad!”

I had never heard of film before and got a real kick out of it. This is one of the first “Retro 80’s Horror Collection” releases from the newly formed Camp Motion Pictures and I’m definitely looking forward to what else they might dig up. Shot mostly in Jon’s own house with himself as the entire crew of the film, “Woodchipper Massacre” is a perfect example of making something out of nothing. After one weekend of videotaping with the rented woodchipper, the rest of the film was shot over a month’s time with Tom Casiello and Denice Edeal, whose mother did the film’s makeup, riding the bus to John’s house every day after school. Maybe at the time of its release on video, “Woodchipper Massacre” was an unappreciated and quickly forgotten movie written off as a bad horror film. But it’s actually a well executed brilliant script that can now be enjoyed by the entire family for what it really is – a comedy with horror undertones that has a lot of heart and shows blood is thicker than water and human flesh chips up just as easy as wood.

- CCF, January 2007