“WAITING...” (2005)

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Anna Faris & Andy Milonakis
Written & Directed by Rob McKittrick

Polly Staffle Rating: *

Not every movie is perfectly titled. There are really good films with absolutely ugly names. “Santa Sangre” and “What's Eating Gilbert Grape” are examples of movies I love with titles I hate to say. You can shorten “Gilbert Grape” and people still know what the hell you are talking about, but “Santa Sangre” is lesser known so when you say it people think you are talking about a Christmas movie or something. There are plenty of favorites of mine that are guilty of this. “Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills” is a great documentary with too long a name. “Go!” has too short a name for such a fun film. You catch my drift. “Waiting...” on the other hand is an example of a film that is perfectly titled. I even love the three dots.

Why do I love this title? It has nothing to do with the fact the film is about a bunch of waiters. It's because “Waiting...” perfectly describes to you before you watch it, what you will find yourself doing. The movie starts and you sit there “Waiting...” for it to get funny. You shortly realize you must have mistakenly grabbed the wrong DVD at the video store because you thought you rented a comedy. You ditch the expectation of getting to laugh. So you start “Waiting...” for something interesting to happen, but just like world peace, it's not going to because there are too many idiots involved. Soon you give up all hope and are just “Waiting...” for it to be over.

Is this movie that bad? Yes it is. The sad part is you've already seen this film done a hundred times. So much so this felt like a bad movie straight from the 80's. It was like “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” without Sean Penn, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Phoebe Cates and the “fast times.” Even worse, it was like “The Wild Life” without Chris Penn, Eric Stoltz and the “wild” part. You saw better versions of this film in the 90's as well. It was just like “Hangin' with the Homeboys” without the fun “hangin'“ part and no “homeboys” like Doug E. Doug or John Leguizamo. It was also like watching Nickelodeon's movie “Good Burger” with a few unfunny jokes added about statutory rape and premature ejaculation, a male genital showing game, poor waiters complaining when they are tipped a dollar and still complaining when they are tipped $70, but minus Kenan and Kel and the “good” part.

You can throw “Clerks” and “Office Space” into the mix as well, but I won't because many people love those two films. The DVD for “Waiting...” doesn't deserve to serve as a beer coaster in a boarded up porn shop full of rabid armadillos and cannibal squatters, so I don't want to get your hopes up in anyway. I personally didn't like “Office Space,” but my brother tells me it is funnier and funnier each time you watch it. Maybe that is what “Waiting...” does, but I doubt it. There's no genius like Mike Judge behind this project. As far as “Clerks,” it's a masterpiece. Mentioning it and “Waiting...” in the same sentence is like saying “Pulp Fiction” or “Rain Man” in the same sentence as the Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez disaster “Gigli.” Besides, what would I say? This movie is “Office Space” without the office or a colorized “Clerks” without Silent Bob, Jay, Randal, Dante or a funny pop-culture filled Kevin Smith screenplay?

So by now you have probably figured out what “Waiting...” is all about by the films I have mentioned. Yes, it is about a group of people that hate their job, but try to kill the pain by talking as much as possible, while doing as little as they can. Someone in the film has a wakeup call and realizes they don't want to have the same dead end job their entire life, so they make a decision do something about it. That's the movie. It wants to be shocking, vulgar and hilariously funny along the way, but fails miserably at doing anything. The thing is, we all hate our jobs. Every single person, with maybe the exception of George W. Bush, Dr. Phil and Ron Jeremy, hates their job. We hate them because we have to do them. We are told where to go, when to be there, and what to do when we get there. We love our freedom and work strips us of that. But it is something we have to do, so we suck it up and do it. Everyone that has ever worked can relate to the characters in “Waiting...” in that way. With that you don't have to try too hard in a screenplay to get people sucked into your world. The key there is try and I don't think writer and director Rob McKittrick did much of that.

You remember in the 80's when there became a trend in movies to take a script that wasn't really a comedy or was a poorly written movie that was supposed to be funny and they would throw an established comedian in it and many times the film would end up being a blockbuster? You know what I'm talking about. They did it with Eddie Murphy, Chevy Chase, Tom Hanks, John Candy, Robin Williams, Steve Martin, Richard Pyor, Bill Murray, Dan Ackroyd, Gene Wilder and probably a few others I am forgetting. Sometimes you would get more than one of these guys in the same movie if the script was really hurting. Sometimes these guys would fix the movies. Other times you got movies like “Three Amigos” and “The Man With One Red Show.”

Anyway, that's what “Waiting...” feels like - a bad comedy script that needed a funny man to make it come alive. So who do they bring in to make us laugh? Ryan Reynolds, Anna Farris, Justin Long and Andy Milonakis. Oh yeah, great comedy ensemble cast you got here. Reynolds, of course played “Van Wilder,” is married to “You Can't Do That On Television” alumni Alanis Morisette and obviously never reads a script before taking a part. Farris also blindly accepts roles as she has continued to star in the “Scary Movie” series long after the Wayans brothers bailed on it. Long is one of those guys like Chris Klein that always reminds you of someone else, so you never count him out. However, he was in “Galaxy Quest” and like Klein, he just kind of stands around doing a bad Keanu Reeves impression in all of his films, so how much credibility does he have? Milonakis is of course the thirty-year-old man-child that first started popping up on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” and we laughed at him because we thought he was 13. But now that we know he is just an obnoxious slacker that should get a real job, he's no longer funny.

“Waiting...” also has character actor Luiz Guzman, known mostly for playing a cop or some evil guy with a gun, showing off his nut sack. I know you were “Waiting..” for me to get to the male genital showing game I referenced earlier. The male characters of this film are so homophobic that they do their best to make someone look at their privates, so they can kick them in the behind and call them gay. When one of the female characters decides to join in on the game, every male is disgusted at how hairy her vagina is. So let me get this straight, they would rather play with the boys and see male genitals to prove they aren't homosexual then have females flashing them? Do people really play this game? It blows any “two flinching,” “slug bug” or “psych” game we played in elementary and junior high out of the water. Is this how they pass the time at restaurants? Is this why when I order a baked potato, I don't get one? This is why my tuna sandwich which took 45-minutes to get is served on stale bread? This is why when we come in with a party of seven, you walk us back and tell us there isn't a big enough section and asks us if we can sit at two different booths? Silly me, I thought you were busy doing something important. Like making sure my burger gets one of those slices of tomato everyone hates getting - you know the ones they cut a hole in the middle of so you don't figure out it is an end piece. I mean I knew restaurants spit in our food, drop our steaks on the floor, shake their dandruff into our plates and place pubes on top to garnish it all up, but I had no idea, you were in the back grab assing around when you should be making sure my drink is always filled. I actually assumed worse than they show us here. I won't get explicit, but will say I try not to think about what they may have done to any food or beverage that might be white, brown or yellow.

Why is it we are expected to tip waiters and waitresses anyway? I'm with Mr. Pink from “Reservoir Dogs” on the whole tipping thing. You've got to earn it. Who are you to tell me what to do with my money? Maybe if I had as Kid Rock said “Matchbox 20 money,” I'd be inclined to always tip well. So what is the deal; do you tip your video store clerk? No, not even when you end up liking the movie they recommended. Do you tip your fast-food server at McDonalds? No, not even when your chicken sandwich was better than one you would get at a restaurant like Applebee's. Do you tip your garbage man? Nope, not even when he comes and collects your trash like a good busboy clearing a table to make way for you. Did you tip Shaun Alexander when he helped you win your fantasy football league? What? You had MVP Alexander and still didn't win the championship? Hell no. Because nobody tips you on your job and that is what they are doing - their job. Tell people you don't tip waiters and they jump on you, “you're stealing money from them,” “it's part of their pay,” they live off their tips,” “how can they pay for their educations?” or “that's like taking food from their babies.” Using that logic, if I don't eat at sit down restaurants, I am also “taking money” from the waiters. If no one ate there ever, their poor kids would starve to death and eventually so would the waiters. It should be our duty to make sure and eat at a sit down restaurant every day to make sure the “children of our country” do not starve. By the same rationale, men need to visit strip bars every day because erotic dancers also “live off of tips.” Personally, I doubt all waiters give decent tips when they go out to eat. Especially if they are a poor server that gets stiffed a lot. There's no way they could afford to leave much behind. By the way, if their babies are starving and they can't afford college books, maybe they should stay home like my broke ass and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Overall, I would say stay away from “Waiting…” The only names that might have been better for this film are “Poor Quality” or “Waste of Money,” which pretty much sums up going out to eat at most of the dump restaurant chains the film mimics. So put this movie at the very back of your Netflix queue if you must rent it. Do to this movie what I do to the sorry restaurant service industry that has rude waiters that bring me the wrong food, don't keep my drinks refilled and then expect a tip - leave it “Waiting.”

- CCF, February 2006