“DO OR DIE” (1985)

Starring: Pat Morita, Erik Estrada, Dona Speir, Roberta Vasquez, Bruce Penhall, Cynthia Brimhall, Pandora Peaks (Stephanie Schick), Ava Cadell, James Lew & Carolyn Liu
Written & Directed by Andy Sidaris
Malibu Bay Films

Polly Staffle Rating: ***

Andy Sidaris once said all he ever asks of his audience is that they get the joke. For those that do, Sidaris is a filmmaking god. His movies are entertaining works of art. There’s no hidden meaning or message embedded in them. They are what they are - movies about women with big guns and their James Bond-like adventures that are filled with various types of weapons that lead to mayhem. “Do or Die” is just that. Its 105 minutes of nothing but big breasted topless ladies, followed by gunfire and explosions. There’s not much of a plot, but who the hell cares?

“Do or Die” isn’t the best Sidaris movie, but it has its charm. For one, it’s probably his most stacked film as far as talent. The late great Pat Morita is here. Though Morita’s scenes were shot in four days and his lines mostly come off as though he was handed the script two-seconds before cameras started filming, it is nice to see him in this role. Instead of typecasting him as a wise old man after Morita’s success with “The Karate Kid,” Sidaris has him play a villain. His character is an evil crime boss Kane, who has decided to play a little game with two of L.E.T.H.A.L.’s (Legion to Ensure Total Harmony And Law) finest. Morita looks sharp in Don Johnson suits circa 1985. He also has a few sexy scenes with Carolyn Lui, who towers over him. Like his Mr. Myagi character who uttered the classic “don’t know, never been attacked by tree” line, Morita’s Kane delivers perfectly timed comedic dialogue. In one interaction with Lui’s character Silk massaging him, she states there are 200 bones in the human body. “Make that 201,” Silk says. “Not for long,” Kane quips.

Playboy Playmates Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez play the secret agents Donna and Nicole that Kane has his eye on. He sends six different groups of his hired hands to follow the women from Hawaii to Nevada and Louisiana in hopes of knocking them off. Kane’s men and women are supposed to be professional killers, but they come off more like bumbling idiots than highly trained assassins.

If you aren’t impressed with the cast yet, Erik Estrada is also here. Estrada plays agent Richard and fellow “CHiP’s” alum Bruce Penhall is his sidekick Bruce. They show up just in the nick of time to help blowup a Volkswagen Bug that is in hot pursuit of Donna and Nicole’s Geo Tracker during a desert off-road chase. They aid the women along their trip as Donna and Nicole pick up a remote control airplane to later load down with rockets to kill a pair of ninjas. Along the way, a few more Playboy Playmates and a Chippendale dancer join in to do their part which basically means shooting aimlessly when the bad guys are around and pairing up to have sex when they’re not.

It’s like “Game of Death” with busty women instead of Bruce Lee or “Running Man” without Arnold Schwarzenegger and toned down violence. In fact, in many ways Sidaris seems heavily influenced by television shows of the 80’s. At times it feels as though you are watching “Miami Vice,” “Magnum, P.I.,” “The A-Team,” “Riptide,” or “Simon and Simon” and there are also some “The Dukes of Hazzard” moments. It even ends with a lighthearted moment like an episode of “Hunter” as good prevails over evil and everyone raises their glass for a toast. I expected to see a freeze frame with credits flowing over the top as a Mike Post theme played.

But through the film Sidaris constantly reminds you this isn’t your childhood primetime TV show as busty Pandora Peaks, credited here as Stephanie Schick, removes her top and makes love to a John Stamos-looking guy with a mullet under a waterfall. Later, Estrada and Speir share a romp straight out of a Playboy video in a sparkling swimming pool. Andy Sidaris says he usually let’s his wife and producer Arlene control the sex scenes and it shows. While the rest of the film comes off as the fantasy of teenage boys – big boobs, cars, motorcycles, planes and guns - these love scenes play more like the fantasy of middle-aged women. There’s gentle caressing and kissing by a fire place or in steamy water, lovingly choreographed and filmed under beautiful lightning.

Andy Sidaris says on the audio commentary the film is loosely based on actual events. I think he likes to say that of his films because he doesn’t use any digital effects. That is the other thing about his productions that seems like a breath of fresh air compared to today’s world of CGI loaded crap. When you see an explosion in “Do or Die,” it’s an actual explosion. It may be a pile of boards falling from the sky and not a helicopter, but it’s still an explosion. The only enhancement in the film is strictly silicone. Don’t worry Andy. I think most people get your joke. Most probably enjoy the heck out of it. I’m actually kind of surprised mainstream films never caught up with you. They’re partially there as films like “BloodRayne,” “Tomb Raider,” “Ultraviolet,” “Underworld” and “Aeon Flux” have attractive women being tough, beating up guys and shooting off ammo. But while those films waste millions of dollars trying to make unrealistic things look real, they always forget the power of a pair of breasts or two or three or four or five.

- CCF, May 2006