"THE DOUBLE-D AVENGER" (2001)

Starring: Kitten Natividad, Haji, Raven De La Croix, Logan La Brent, Elizabeth Starr, Sheri Dawn Thomas, Forrest J. Ackerman
Written & Directed by William Winckler

Polly Staffle Rating: **

There are basically two reasons to watch William Winckler's action-comedy "The Double-D Avenger." The audio commentary by drive-in film critic Joe Bob Briggs and a cameo by "Science Fiction Guru" Forrest J. Ackerman. I bet you thought I was going for a big breast joke, didn't you? No, you will not find me stooping to that in this review. If you want lame jokes about that certain part of the female anatomy, you are going to have to watch the film. You'll get more than you can handle.

This is a very strange movie. It's extremely suggestive and contains about 1,632 breast jokes or references, but not a single second of nudity and no sex. Is that an exact number? No, I didn't count them. That is my expert guess. Also, I take back what I said about the nudity. There is a dream sequence that features old photos of a former two-time Miss Nude Universe winner, but for whatever reason the nipples have been blurred out. There also is a scene where chubby actor Gary Canavello, who plays a stereotypical cowboy, named Bubba, jumps into a hot tub wearing a Speedo and shortly there after removes the outfit. We never see Bubba nude and he is then lectured by his companion, who doesn't pull a Kathy Bates, but instead remains fully covered in a bath robe. This is the most erotic scene in a movie with "double-d" in the title? It's not that I think movies have to have sex or topless women to be good. It's just the name of this film is "The Double-D Avenger." It contains nothing but line after line of boob references and is filled with characters named things like Chastity Knott, Hydra Heffer, Ooga Boobies, Ta Ta Leader Orbs and Pirate Juggs. Not to mention the film stars busty Russ Meyer femmes Kitten Natividad, Haji and Raven De La Croix, as well as porn stars Logan La Brent and Elizabeth Starr. A few other women with breast implants like Sheri Dawn Thomas, who claims in the DVD's "making of" special feature to have played strippers and hookers in various mainstream films, make up the rest of the cast.

All of this, but no nudity. It's like watching USA network's "Up All Night" with Rhonda Shear only nothing has been cut out. Sure most of the cast is in their fifties, but what was Winckler thinking? Was he hoping to pull a PG-rating and think he could get a national release out of this thing? It's still vulgar. If that was the case, he might have wanted to cut out the suggestive scene where two different women take turns sucking on a penis shaped plant called the Cockazilla. A three-woman cat fight that features scantly clad women in positions you will only find in a porno would have to go. A German stripper named Aldofina that chicken dances in a latex outfit and a gratuitous lingerie scene would also need taken out. Even if he did that, I don't think this movie could play on regular TV. You'd still have to edit out the excessive breast jiggling and thong shots to get the WB to air it, so where is the logic? Okay, the "home of the frog" could air "Showgirls" uncut and nobody would notice, but you get my point. You make all those edits and this film is only 30 minutes, so it's not exactly a recommended watch with the family.

In a nut shell, the story line is Natividad's character Chastity owns a bar/restaurant that is hip and happening. She has just met Bubba and her life is good. But she finds out she has breast cancer, so she travels to a far off jungle filled with stock footage, sucks on the Cockazilla and gets super human strength. Across town Al Purplewood's bikini bar is hurting and he blames Chastity. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact he's running a strip bar with dancers that never even get topless or that he pays the ladies $2.50 an hour. Anyway, Al sends three of his dancers to assassinate Chastity with guns he got in a lap dance trade with a mad scientist. Although these weapons appear to be water guns, somehow Bubba's face gets covered in shaving cream after he is sprayed in the chest by the girls and he dies. Chastity vows to take revenge as the big breasted "Wonder Woman" rip-off Double-D Avenger that wears a bra as a mask.

Now while watching this film it became evident that Nativadad - the topless woman in "Airplane!" and a stripper in the Chris Penn film "The Wild Life" - was wearing fake breasts. I was clueless as to why, but have since read she had a double mastectomy for breast cancer two years before making this film. Before that she supposedly had 46EEEs. Now it starts to make a little sense. You can't have naked women in a movie called "The Double-D Avenger" and not show the super heroine topless. Why would she do this film? And what rocket scientist presents someone who has had to overcome such a devastating disease with a script littered with bad big boob jokes and such insensitivity towards breast cancer? It kind of takes some of the fun out of this movie knowing that. It's just like that Christopher Reeve commercial they did a few years back where he walks thanks to special effects. It's just wrong. In fact, I wouldn't have watched the movie had I known that going in. Give Nativadad a smaller role and the lead to one of the many busty cast members so they can have better things to do then talking like a pirate or saying Ooga Boobies every time they open their mouths. Yes, there is a character named Ooga Boobies and she says her own name an estimated 372 times. Not to mention there are plenty of women with huge breasts that aren't having their doors knocked down by mainstream Hollywood that could have played the lead. No acting skills required. I know some guys that practically live at strip bars here in Vegas and they could probably hook a casting director up with someone with enough talent to play the role. This isn't "The Triple-E Avenger." Double-d bimbos are a dime a dozen. Nativadad reminded me of Mrs. Garrett from "Diff'rent Strokes" and "The Facts of Life" anyway. She's not Mrs. Garrett though, that was Charlotte Rae, who happen to be on "Seasame Street" playing Molly the Mail Lady when Nativadad was winning her Miss Nude Universe crowns in the early 70's. (Are there still Miss Nude Universe pageants? Where are they held? Who is the current title holder? What duties do they have? Do they have swimsuit and talent portions of the contests? Is there a Miss Nude for every state and country?)

Now that I've bashed this film, let me tell you what I do like about it. Believe it or not, there is a certain charm to the film. Sure the humor is badly forced and it looks like it cost less to film than the "stay away from drugs and molesters" movies they used to show us in elementary school. But somehow the thing ends up being entertaining. Enough for me to watch it two times in a row. Sure the second go-round was to hear Joe Bob Briggs ramble on the audio commentary, but had the movie been as bad as the awful "Kill Bill" spoof "Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape," I wouldn't have sat through it again. The problem with most movies like these is they truly try too hard to be "so bad, they're good." I don't use that terminology, but some do. What film makers like Winckler seem to forget is Ed Wood wasn't ever trying to make a bad movie. Herschell Gordon Lewis didn't intend for his early gore movies to be so funny and Doris Wishman was trying to make erotica when she made campy sexploitation movies.

Just so you know, "The Double-D Avenger" is much more entertaining watching it with Joe Bob's commentary. So much so, I think it would be a blast to have him come over and watch movies with me and my girlfriend from time to time. Not every night. He's a yapper and doesn't stop talking. I'd have to tell him to be quiet if it was something I really wanted to see. If you didn't get enough breast references during the actual film, Joe Bob has plenty to share. Joe Bob also agreed that Winckler blew it with this film saying something along the lines that "The Double-D Avenger" could have been the "Citizen Kane" of hooters movies, but wasn't due to a lack of flesh. Something I noticed that I never had before was how much Joe Bob sounds like Billy Bob Thornton, who would also probably be a lot of fun to hang out with.

As I said earlier, the other highlight of this film was Forrest J. Ackerman, who is a living legend. Ackerman has made cameos in over 200 films, mostly b-movies and documentaries, and is credited with coining the term "sci fi." He appears here for all of thirty seconds, which is usual for him. He usually pops up long enough for you to think to yourself, "hey, I recognize that guy, but I can't figure out who the hell he is" and then his scene is over. Ackerman plays the caretaker of a wax museum and has the film's funniest moments talking to Frankenstein. A chase scene between Hydra and Chastity ends up inside the museum's chamber of horrors after hours. When the caretaker smells their perfume he wonders if the wax figure "Frankie" is wearing Chanel No. 5 or if he stopped up the toilet again. No, it's not cinematic comedy at its best, but it's the funniest we get here.

- CCF, February 2006