"NOWHERE MAN" (2005)

Starring: Debbie Rochon, Michael Rodrick & Frank Olivier
Written & Directed by Tim McCain

Polly Rating Staffle: *

Some might try to argue that Debbie Rochon is one of the hardest working, most underated and underpaid actresses of our time. Looking at her long list of achievements, you might say there's evidence to back up their opinion. She's stared in over 100 feature films. She won the Draculina Magazine readers poll "Scream Queen of the Decade Award" in 2003 for work from 1990 to the present. And in October 2004 she was inducted into the B-Movie Hall of Fame. But if you sit down and watch "Nowhere Man," you will understand why most people have never heard of her.

"Nowhere Man" is one of 13 films she appeared in this year. If she ever wants to make the jump from low budget to mainstream, she needs to stop making so damn many movies and start reading scripts before accepting roles. Rochon could easily be the next Kate Beckinsale. She would fit perfectly in the roles Beckinsale had in both "Underworld" and "Van Helsing," although the exact costumes would be too tight in the bossum area.

The opening credits to the film, which has the production values of a low-end porno, shows a film producer convincing Rochon's character, Jennifer, to take a part in his next sleazy production. (This was probably the real life meeting she had when she took this role). She agrees and ends up being in the producer's adult film. Jennifer moves on from the movie and meets the man of her dreams, Conrad.

Shortly there after, the porno comes back to haunt her. The happy couple has a few angry exchanges and to make a long story short, she ends up chopping off her fiancé's penis and holds it for ransom.

Okay, I know what you are thinking. Sounds like it has potential, right? On paper I think it does. You could make a great movie with that plot. I'm thinking "Run Lola, Run" meets "Memento" meets "I Spit On Your Grave" - a double sided revenge movie that's intense and throws you a few curves. Add in a porn star character Daddy Mac, who wants to be a rapper, and Michael Rodrick, who is sort of a low rent Vince Vaughn, as Conrad, and where can you go wrong?

Well, this one goes horribly wrong. The film takes itself too serious at times and is less serious than it should be at others. I say you either play this straight from the get go or try for laughs. Writer and director Tim McCain, a professor at State University of New York at Purchase, probably thinks he is the next Quentin Tarantino. But hopefully he doesn't, because he's not.

- CCF, January 2006