“BITE ME!” (2004)

Starring: Misty Mundae, Julian Wells, Rob Monkiewicz, Erika Smith, Michael R. Thomas, Caitlin Ross, Sylvianne Chebance & John Paul Fedele
Written & Directed by Brett Piper
Shock-O-Rama Cinema

Polly Staffle Rating: ****

To hear writer and director Brett Piper’s take on “Bite Me!,” he essentially made most casting decisions in the writing stage with each role practically tailor made for those acting in the film. Perhaps this is why the horror/sci-fi/comedy is so much fun. Then again, the huge creepy crawling bloodsucking insects, a strip club with dinosaur displays out front, a clumsy burlesque dancer, radioactive marijuana, a cool human-sized stop animation bugman and Misty Mundae, Erika Smith, Julian Wells and Caitlin Ross all getting naked helped as well. “Bite Me!” is what Shock-O-Rama is all about. Jam packed into this film’s 88-minute run time is gore, laughs, sleaze and more.

After opening with a pair of drug dealers inspired by Cheech & Chong crashing their car, the film settles down to tell a story about a small strip club being invaded by huge bugs that suck blood and alter the personality of the people they bite. The topless bar is run by Ralph Vivino. Played by Michael R. Thomas, the makeup artist behind “Ghostbusters” and “The Wiz,” Vivino is very similar to “The Sopranos” character Silvio. He has that same over the top Michael Coleone-style going on and the Go-Go Saurs is his version of the Ba-Da Bing. Vivino is harassed daily by suit-wearing female mobster Teresa (Wells). She has a bad east coast accent and is a troublemaker that plays by her own rules. She wants Vivino’s business. Since he owes money to her family and his cash flow is struggling as of late, it appears she will get her wish soon. I’m not sure what the problem is with his club. It seems to have a real good vibe going on. Outside a huge Godzilla-like character greets passersby and inside three lovely ladies work the stage, while a sex-crazed female bartender Gina (Sylvianne Chebanc) serves up drinks and a little bit extra on the side. Go-Go Saurs gets customers as the place is jumping every night. They’re just the most unenthused bunch of guys you’d ever find watching women take their clothes off.

The only people more bored than the patrons are the dancers Crystal (Mundae) and Amber (Ross). Crystal seems like her mind is elsewhere and kind of just goes through the motions on stage. Amber is a pothead and goes as far as falling asleep standing up during her routine. At the other end of the spectrum is Trix (Smith). She means well and gives dancing her all, taking the stage with more accessories and props than Siegfried & Roy, Carrot Top and Penn & Teller combined. Trix is a little uncoordinated and the fact she refuses to wear her prescription glasses on stage doesn’t help. (On a side note, what is the deal with women that think guys don’t find them in glasses attractive? If they didn’t why would there be whole porn sites dedicated to it? I want to see a slasher movie with the surviving lead female character wearing glasses from start to finish. None of this, “wears glasses to drive and read only” business. Will somebody at Shock-O-Rama get to work on that? No, I don’t have a fetish or anything, I’m just for tearing down stereotypes and negative thinking.) This was Smith’s first movie and I thought she pulled it off rather well. She reminded me of Selma Blair in “Cruel Intentions,” playing both goofy and sexy at the same time.

Back to the story, Vivino buys a crate of biohazardous marijuana and stores it in the basement of the club. Little does he know, bullfrog-sized mutated bugs are inside. When Amber follows her nose to the stash and begins to smoke it, she unintentionally releases the creatures. They are soon swarming the place. Vivino calls in a Tommy Chong-esuqe exterminator named Buzz (Rob Monkiewicz) and keeps the place in business, hoping to get rid of the pests before any customers see them. But an ex-CIA agent Myles, played by John Fedele as Al Bundy meets Dirty Harry, and Teresa start nosing around separately like private detectives as the bugs go on the rampage. Gina is bitten and turned into a lesbian. Teresa is bit and changes from conservative into an energetic sex fiend that jumps on stage for an impromptu strip before having sex with Gina. Crystal gets bit in the shower and has to fight off the bug with a plunger before turning into a gun-toting, camouflage wearing killing machine. She carries out her business like a robot programmed to destroy, shooting and hacking up bugs and not letting anything stand in her way. Myles tries taking several of the girls hostage, but has the tables turned on him before becoming a giant green creature. In the end, the whole place is set on fire and the Godzilla out front comes crashing to the ground. But don’t worry, the place will probably be back up and running in no time as Piper leaves the door open for a sequel.

The special effects are very primative with small-scale models and stop animation, so if you prefer lifeless CGI effects like your multimillion dollar summer blockbusters, stick to Steven Spielberg and George Lucas films. “Bite Me!” is b-movie magic at its best. Piper delivers a homage to movies like “Them!” and similarly themed 1950’s and 60’s creature features with a bit of “Creepshow” and “The Outer Limits” thrown in. If you were disappointed with “Eight Legged Freaks,” give “Bite Me!” a watch. It gives you the campiness that David Arquette and Kari Wuhrer movie was supposed to with some blood and perverted fun as well.

- CCF, May 2006