“DORM OF THE DEAD” (2006)

Starring: Tiffany Shepis, Andrea Ownbey, Jackey Hall, Jeff Dylan Graham, Ciara Richards, Christopher Slade & Adrianna Eder
Written & Directed by Donald Farmer
Under The Bed Films

Polly Staffle Rating: ***

It’s been described as “Mean Girls meets Dead Girls.” It stars Scream Queen Tiffany Shepis (“Ted Bundy,” “Detour”), alongside high-pitched blonde babe Andrea Ownbey, who was dubbed “Miss Howard Stern” by the King of all Media. It’s about college co-ed zombies taking over a university full of valley girls, lesbians, goth chicks and sluts banging their professors. Oh yeah, and it’s called “Dorm of the Dead.”

No, this isn’t the latest in George Romero’s living dead series. Political reporter turned sleaze-maestro Donald Farmer (“An Erotic Vampire in Paris,” “Cannibal Hookers,” “Vampire Cop”) doesn’t deliver any social subtext hidden beneath the surface. It’s just silly, fun and filled with blood and topless women. It’s also perfect to watch with a group of people that enjoy movies like “Redneck Zombies.”

Films like this are actually quite hard to review. I’ll be honest - if you go into “Dorm of the Dead” expecting to see realistic gore or a story that makes any sense whatsoever, you’re going to be let down. But I don’t think that’s what Farmer set out to do with this film. So instead of me ripping “Dorm the Dead” because of its technical flaws, I’ve decided to do something a little different. I am sticking this baby back into my DVD player and watching it for a second time. This go-round I will serve as your ghost host and deliver a running commentary. Welcome to my version of “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”

POLLYSTAFFLE.COM’S INSCRUTABLE LOW-TECH THEATER

“Dorm of the Dead” opens with a creepy looking guy (Dukey Flyswatter) giving us a little “can you handle it” warning about the film. This is Volume 3 in Under the Bed Films’ “Midnight Horror Storys,” so I am guessing this guy, who gives me flashbacks to a stupid little trinket my brother brought back from a school trip called the horny monk, is their Crypt Keeper.

Then the story kicks off, or so we think, with a blonde chick (Michelle Penick) in an 80’s blue and pink double tank top. She is checking herself out in the mirror. By the way, I am digging the music. This movie is actually filled with lots of pretty cool tunes, from techno to Rob Zombie-esque shock rock. Artists included here are The Creeping Cruds, Mureed Zafr, Pigfucker and Scum of the Earth, which is the band of former Rob Zombie guitarist Mike Riggs.

So back to the movie: the chick starts teasing her boyfriend (Mike Dusi). It first appears things are about to kick into a full blown porn scene, but she gets on her knees unzips the guys pants… only to zip them back up real quick. She kicks his ass out because “boys aren’t allowed in the girls’ dorm.” Like that ever stop an unwed pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease before.

So homeboy heads off, making his way down an alley that in no way looks like it is anywhere near a college campus. He stops to smoke a cigarette and then a blonde zombie stumbles up behind him. Without saying anything to her, he pushes her up against a wall and starts kissing her. She looks like Anna Nicole Smith, which is a good thing in my eyes. We find out later that her name is Lara and she is played Amy Owenby. Andrea Ownbey’s sister, I am guessing? Wait, no their names are spelled slightly different.

Then another lovely blonde zombie girl (Kiersten Hall) approaches and homeboy starts making out with her. Dude, either these are crack-head whores or zombies. Can’t you tell by their filthy faces and rigor mortis movements? Guess not. Well, now, he is a zombie sandwich with a blonde on each side. And just like most sandwiches, they are meant to be eaten, so the girls start to gobble him up. Just then, a super strength brunette zombie and her mate join in and the foursome finishes the guy off.

Back at the blonde’s room from earlier, she (Penick) is stripping down to nothing, but pink panties. It seems she sleeps topless above her covers. The brunette and her blondes make their way to her room. Sleeping beauty awakes; screams and the credits kick in.

After the credits, we are treated to Amy (Shepis) locking lips with a redhead named Natalie. After the film’s second pair of breasts and some hot and heavy smooching, a jealous boyfriend (Evan Rane) busts in and breaks up the fun. The guy, who looks like part Eli Roth and part Greg Behrendt, has a thing for choking the ladies it seems. Don’t worry, shortly he gets his from a zombie in the school’s basement/parking garage.

We then meet Sarah (Ciara Richards) and Allison (Adrianna Eder), who like to hang out in cemeteries and trace tombstones. Sarah reminds me of a cross between Avril Lavigne decked out to go to a Cradle of Filth concert and Lauren Ambrose (Claire Fisher of “Six Feet Under”). On their way to class, the duo bumps into Clare, who dubs them “twisted sisters.”

Clare is a major bitch, but somehow is my favorite character in the film. Played by another Howard Stern regular (Jackey Hall) she is sort of like a southern valley girl, if there is such a thing. Almost every line out of her mouth gets a chuckle out of me.

Then there is a hilariously bad classroom scene that was obviously shot at three different times and patched together. During the scene Dr. Xander (Christopher Slade) informs the class that two years prior he was in Haiti and saw actual zombies up close. The professor brought back some zombie blood with him and everyone starts to wonder what would happen if the stuff fell into the wrong hands aka Clare.

Then Sarah gets kicked out of her dorm. It seems her mother wrote a check for $4,237.18, but the account could only cover the eighteen cents. While Sarah is getting moved into her new place - a junk filled, cockroach, lice and rat infested room 66 on the sixth floor of the dorm for “lesbo losers” - Clare and her friend Julie (Andrea Ownbey) break into the school to get the zombie blood. Clare wants to teach Sarah and Allison lessons they will never forget because she feels they laughed at her in front of the class.

Clare ends up in the basement and watches in the shadows as Dr. Xander is surrounded by three zombies. He then proceeds to have a love scene flashback with student turned zombie Lara. Third pair of breasts. Dr. Xander then has his third flashback of the film and we learn that he infected Lara because: A.) He wanted a test subject. B.) Lara wanted him to leave his wife. Okay, back to the present. Dr. Xander shoots Lara in the head and then he is attacked by two other zombies. After having his arm ripped off, Clare screams out that she will help Xander if he gives her the test tube of blood that is in his pocket. He does and she hauls ass. Dr. Xander gets ate.

You following along still? Because this thing only gets better. Clare infects Sarah by pouring the blood down her throat while she sleeps. The next morning, Allison awakes to find Sarah in her house. Sarah hasn’t fully turned into a zombie, but something isn’t quite right with her. The vegetarian is looking like the chick from “The Ring” and hungry for blood. She scarfs down four fast-food burgers to Allison’s amazement. “It’s a good thing Pamela Anderson can’t see you now,” Allison says. Okay, whatever the hell that means.

Later that night, Sarah munches on human flesh in the movie’s best gore scene. If you have a problem seeing ripped out eyeballs, perhaps you should skip this part. This is followed by the film’s lamest death scene. So then Sarah ends up getting picked up by a bald-headed man (Jim O’Rear), who takes her to a convenience store for dinner – bologna - and then to the drive-in for a movie. At the late night picture show, Sarah does some serious necking and sucking, but it’s not of the variety this guy was hoping for.

Sarah now seems to be in full blown zombie mode. She heads across town, making others into undead. First she makes sure Clare gets hers and then Sarah hits up a carnival. We get a nice long scene of Clare strutting through the carnival for absolutely no reason as Scum of the Earth’s “Bloodsucking Freakshow” blares. I guess the filmmakers really got desperate to stretch this bad boy to 90 minutes. That’s okay. I love this song. Especially the “Oh... the devil wants me,” female vocal part, which was supposedly performed by a drunk groupie slut that just showed up at Riggs’ house one day.

Okay, we are coming up on the film’s big finale, so pay close attention. You don’t want to miss out as everything gets wrapped up M. Night Shyamalan style… Yeah right. Allison is watching a live report on TV about the chaos on campus. Don’t worry, she is safe at her parents house. Good thing she mooches off of them So, Allison watches as her friend Sarah tries to eat the gonzo journalist live on the scene… only to get a bullet in the head. Aww… that is too bad. Sarah then gets dragged away by zombies or zombie killers, I’m not really sure, but it doesn’t really matter because the picture fades to black and the end credits roll. By the way, look out for “Dorm of the Dead 2: Co-Ed Cannibal Clambake.” Man, I can’t wait.

- CCF, September 2007

CLICK HERE TO DISCUSS DORM OF THE DEAD IN THE SPEAK EASY