"LAND OF THE DEAD" (2005)

Starring: Simon Baker, Asia Argento, Dennis Hopper
& John Leguizamo
Written & Directed by George Romero

Polly Staffle Rating:**

A good concept doesn't equal a good movie. "Land of the Dead" has a great concept and that's as far as it goes. I bet the pitch was great and the studio executives were jumping up and down.

It probably went something like this:

INT. STUDIO EXECUTIVES OFFICE - DAY

GEORGE
You’re familiar with my “Night of the Living Dead” trilogy aren’t you?

STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Never heard of it. Look I’ve got a lunch meeting in 10 minutes can we hurry this up, Mr. Lucas?

GEORGE
It’s Romero. George Romero.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE
God damn it! Who let this guy in here? Security!

GEORGE
It’s all about zombies.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE
What?

GEORGE
My movie. It’s about zombies.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Hey, that “Dawn of the Dead” remake made a nice chunk of change. What do you have for me?

GEORGE
Well, I did the original “Dawn of the Dead” and I have an idea for a movie called “Land of the Dead.” I’m going to direct it. It will kind of be to horror fans what “Revenge of the Sith” was for “Star Wars” geeks.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Okay, check. “Star Wars.” Good.

GEORGE
I was thinking of a great ensemble cast. Maybe Simon Baker and Dennis Hopper... Iconic horror director Dario Argento’s daughter Asia would be great for the lead female role I have mapped out...

STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Okay. Can you throw in one of the creative minds behind “House of Buggin’” - John Leguizamo - for good measure?

GEORGE
I don’t see why not.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Yeah and call him Cholo because he is Hispanic, right? And let’s have him steal someone’s money - or, even better, he steals a tank and holds it for ransom! Yeah and call the tank Dead Reckoning.

GEORGE
But, how will that work? Who would care about money with zombies walking the streets?

STUDIO EXECUTIVE
These are going to be fast zombies, right?

GEORGE
No, I was thinking of sticking to the traditional slow moving zombies. We are talking about rotting corpses.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE
You know what, this isn’t going to work. Security!

GEORGE
No, wait. In this one, zombies kind of evolve and band together to attack the humans.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Will they be shooting guns and stuff like that?

GEORGE
Yes and...

STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Sold! Get the hell out of here and get me a movie made. But one last thing, don’t call them zombies. That is played out. Call them stenches. It will catch on and be huge. Oh yeah! Bring me the money!

Studio executive begins jumping up and down. George leaves the room.

So that's what you have basically; a movie where zombies begin to be more human-like and learn to do things. Yes, I just pulled a Roger Ebert and spoiled "Land of the Dead." That is pretty much the depth of this Romero penned screenplay. It doesn't really dive in and explore this deeply.

The first scene let's us in on this concept, so we are expecting great things to come. Racism, love and hate between zombies. A zombie sex scene. (Think about it, can zombies have little undead babies?) Zombies driving cars. My nephew agreed with me on the last one. His quote was, "Yeah, anyone would watch a movie with a zombie driving a car."

But sorry, you don't get any of that. You don't even get a very good movie. What you get is a disappointing horror movie that isn't scary, isn't creepy and is full of plot holes. Not to mention all of the cast members are pretty underused and don't have much personality. Yes, even Cholo.

There is a scene where we see an underground bar of sorts where zombies are exploited for fun as we as a humans love to do - exploit and degrade those that are weaker than us. But it's not taken as far as I wanted to see it taken either. How about a zombie stripper? 

One of the biggest unexplainable problems with the movie is why anyone would care about money. Money would mean absolutely nothing. Cholo actually steals a tank and holds it for ransom. I didn't make that up. What would he do with money? If there were zombie strippers maybe he has a slight motive. Otherwise, having the tank is to his advantage more than any amount of money. I would live in the tank. A teacher in a screenwriting class I took once said that studio executives love scripts that revolve around money, gold and treasure. (And if you think about that, it's pretty accurate. You ever notice how many movies are made about gold? Now, ask yourself, what the hell would you do with a boat load of gold if you had it? You going to take it down to the pawn shop and cash it in?) My guess is somebody financing the movie made the call on this one, kind of like the guy in Tim Burton's "Ed Wood" who had to have a "big explosion" before putting up the money for a movie starring Bela Lugosi.

"Land of the Dead" does has some good special effects. Nothing too new, but there is a really cool scene that I will not give away that features a zombie barely hanging on, taking a killer bite out of someone's arm.

Overall this seems like a watered-down George Romero vision or perhaps just a rush job. It doesn't stand anywhere near the original "Night of the Living Dead" and isn't even as good as the "Dawn of the Dead" remake or "Shaun of the Dead." It does however, stomp all over those lame "Resident Evil" and "House of the Dead" video game films.

There's a another remake of "Night of the Living Dead" coming soon. It's in 3D and features Sid Haig. Romero has nothing to do with it, but after this film, that might not be such a bad thing. 

Lazy Man's Review

Poorly done and Hollywood-ized zombie movie that has "stenches" shooting guns, but not driving cars or having sex. Worth a rental if you are bored or just want to see the fourth installment in the series, but be prepared to be disappointed.

- CCF, February 2006