“HALLOWEEN” (2007)

Starring: Daeg Faerch, Sheri Moon Zombie, Malcolm McDowell, Brad Dourif, Tyler Mane, William Forsythe, Richard Lynch, Udo Kier, Clint Howard, Danny Trejo, Lew Temple, Tom Towles, Bill Moseley, Leslie Easterbrook, Scout Taylor-Compton, Danielle Harris, Skyler Gisondo, Dee Wallace, Daryl Sabara & Ken Foree
Written by Rob Zombie (based on a screenplay by John Carpenter & Debra Hill)
Directed by Rob Zombie

Polly Staffle Rating: *

When will we learn? Mere mortals should not remake movies. Especially classic horror films about immortal psychotic mass murderers in masks. It just shouldn’t be done. Sure there are always exceptions to this rule, but mostly just leave the classics alone. If they must be remade, retooled, redone, reimagined or, as Rob Zombie says of “Halloween,” rebooted, then at least leave the tinkering to the four-star filmmaking wizards like Zack Snyder, who is two-for-two with “Dawn of the Dead” and “300.” As for shock-rocking devil man turned movie man Zombie, let’s just say he truly knew what he was talking about when he sang the song “More Human Than Human” because God among directors he is not.

My initial reaction to a “Halloween” remake was quite negative. But when I heard Zombie was at the helm, I really got excited. His “House of 1,000 Corpses” was a kaleidoscope freak show masterpiece. Zombie’s sequel to that - “The Devil’s Rejects” - was great in its own right, but would have been better served as a stand alone film. Still it was a raw and gritty horror western that was sad, funny, shocking and definitely worth watching. If anyone could resurrect Michael Myers from the sequel hell he was in, which was starring Busta Ryhmes, LL Cool J and Tyra Banks, I figured who better than the “Superbeast” himself. But what the hell do I know?

“Halloween,” which I shall refer from here on out as “Part 9,” is a horrible movie. It isn’t entertaining in the slightest. This isn’t a revamped version of the original. It’s a botched chop shop half-assed copy of it. Although the film stars a who’s who of Zombie regulars and the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” nods are heavy as usual, this doesn’t feel like a movie from Mr. “Astro-Creep: 2000.” It’s like a studio remake of “Halloween” trying to be like a Rob Zombie film.

“Part 9” doesn’t start off too bad. We see Michael Myers as a child for a longer time than we did in John Carpenter’s film. He’s actually a cute little long haired boy, played by Daeg Faerch, that looks like he should be in a band singing “MMMbop” along with the other Hansons. But little Mikey would have kicked Isaac, Taylor and Zac’s asses. Though he looks harmless in his KISS shirt with his Dakota Fanning smile, he’s a bad seed that tortures, kills and mutilates animals. Like Jeffrey Dahmer, he then moves on to bigger forms of life. First it’s bully Wesley Rhoades, played by Daryl Sabara (Juni Cortez of the “Spy Kids” trilogy). Then it’s on to his family before getting locked in an institution. Though the younger years of Myers take up thirty minutes or so, Zombie doesn’t add anything to the mythology. He explains nothing of why Michael is so evil and does a lame job of introducing the infamous Myers shape mask. There isn’t even anything that triggers Myers. So his mom is a stripper. So his step dad is a drunk. So his sister is a slut. So he was born bad. So what? I feel no sympathy for him.

In fact, there were only two characters that had my sympathy in the whole film – Wesley Rhoades and Michael’s mom Deborah, played by “Living Dead Girl” Sherri Moon Zombie. I felt bad for Wesley only because he really took a horrendous beating that he didn’t quite deserve. I am usually all for bully’s getting the crap kicked out of them, but calling someone’s mom a whore when she dances at a local nudie club isn’t quite deserving of getting beaten to death with a stick. And poor Debbie Myers… Who cares if she does all of Haddonfield? This woman loves Michael unconditionally. He kills her man and her daughter and still she comes to see him in the nut house. That’s true love. And all Michael can do is don some stupid mask he made in his cell and not even speak to her - the woman that gave him life. What a little jerk.

Once Deborah’s character was out of the film I knew things weren’t getting any better, but I had no idea this was going to turn into some bad “A Nightmare on Elm Street” or “Friday the 13th” sequel. Yeah, it gets that bad. Beyond Deborah’s last frame in the movie you will find only blackness. They could have faded to black and ran the credits there and made “Part 9” into a short. Instead the film continues into an ugly and mean out-of-control downward spiral, jumping 17 years into the future with Michael Myers escaping the institution to kill. Why did he wait so long? You will find no answers here. You will also find no answers as to how Michael transforms from a talkative little girly boy into a retarded super-sized monster, played by wrestler Tyler Mane aka Big Sky, that can not be destroyed. Send your kid to Smith’s Grove Sanitarium when he is a middle schooler and in a few years he’ll be big enough to break Barry Bonds home run record. He might not be as bright as Barry Bonds when they are through, but he’ll be twice his size with double his power.

Perhaps Zombie should have spent more time on writing his script and directing it than trying to do some nifty casting. Dr. Loomis is laughable and he’s the highlight of the actors. I knew casting Loomis would be a bitch because Donald Pleasence owned that role, but you would figure Malcolm McDowell would be at least decent. It turns out not even Alex de Large of “A Clockwork Orange” could help this movie. And don’t even get me started on Scout Taylor-Compton as the Jamie Lee Curtis character Laurie Strode. Instead of getting a solid actress that could go toe-to-toe with Myers, we get somebody that is best known for the real life news headlines she made a few years back. Scout Taylor-Compton came up missing for several weeks and it later came out that she ran away from home after a fight with her father and stepmother.

Also on board for some tricking and treating are Danielle Harris (Jamie Lloyd of “Halloween 4 & 5”), Hanna Hall (young Jenny of “Forrest Gump”), the voice of Chucky from “Child’s Play” Brad Dourif, Dee Wallace (“Cujo,” “Critters”), Udo Kier (“Flesh for Frankenstein”) and cult actors Richard Lynch and Clint Howard.

Besides Sherri Moon (aka Baby Firefly), other “House of 1,000 Corpses” and “The Devil’s Rejects” alums include William Forsythe (Sheriff John Quincy Wydell), Danny Trejo (Rondo), Lew Temple (Adam Banjo), Tom Towles (George Wydell), Leslie Easterbrook (Mother Firefly), Bill Moseley (Otis Driftwood), Daniel Roebuck (TV expert Morris Green), Ken Foree (brothel oner Charlie Altamont) and Sid Haig (Captain Spaulding). Sadly, no P.J. Soles (Susan), who was Lynda van der Klok in the original “Halloween.”

Sybil Danning (“Chained Heat,” “Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf”), Micky Dolenz (“The Monkees”), Adrienne Barbeau (“The Fog,” “The Thing,” “Swamp Thing,” “Escape from New York”) and Courtney Gains (Red Dick of “Lust in the Dust”) are also credited as being in the film, but I don’t remember seeing them.

All and all, “Halloween: Part 9” isn’t really worth a watch. Everything but the casting, feels rushed and not thoroughly thought through. It’s not only the screenplay; the editing is really God awful. Near the end, the film is so dark and jumps around so much I can’t even really follow what is going on. That being said, if you are into little girls that act like they are straight off MTV’s “Next” that sound like Mickey Mouse and you get off to them being naked and getting sliced up, then this film is for you. You get boobs, you get blood and you get Michael Myers. But what you don’t get is a reason to care about most of the people in the movie or the film itself.

- CCF, September 2007

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