"HOSTEL" (2005)

Starring Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Eythor Gudjonsson, Barbara Nedeljakova, Jana Kaderabkova, Jan Vlasák & Jennifer Lim
Written & Directed by Eli Roth

Polly Staffle Rating: *

It's amazing what a little bit of marketing magic can do. Eli Roth's first film "Cabin Fever" was a damn good horror movie. It was a funny, sexy, gory tale of a group of teenagers heading to the woods for a weekend of fun that inevitably turns deadly.

The gore hounds flocked to the theater to see it, but otherwise it was overlooked, grossing a little over $21 million. Roth's second movie "Hostel" gets Quentin Tarantino's name slapped on the trailers and it does $20 million in its opening weekend.

But don't be fooled. "Hostel" is no "Cabin Fever." It's not even close. "Cabin Fever" was a roller coaster ride I didn't want to end. "Hostel" is a carnival ride a mechanic forgot to tighten the bolts on, controlled by a drunk and mentally ill sadist that doesn't speak English. You are screaming for the ride to be over as soon as it starts, but it just keeps going.

The first half of this movie is about a bunch of obnoxious losers trying to hook up with girls, while they backpack through Europe. If I wanted to watch that, I would have rented "Eurotrip," a film I have refused to see. The second half of "Hostel" is just ugly and mean spirited. Am I supposed to root for or feel sorry for the obnoxious losers I couldn't stand in the first half? I didn't. I wanted them dead. I didn't like the villains either, so I was stuck hoping for a miracle. If only they would all die by way of the ground opening up and everyone falling into a bottomless pit. But that didn't happen.

There's plenty of nudity and tons of gore on display. That's actually all this movie is. I know, how can you mess that formula up? I myself need someone to root for and a little bit of tension. The only anticipation in the film is what woman is going to take her clothes off next. But they're nude before you can even think this. Tell me, how much suspense is there in that?

College pals Paxton and Josh, played by Jay Hernandez and Derek Richardson, are Americans on a mission to get high, screw girls and exploit each foreign city they stay in for all they can. They travel from hostel to hostel and along the way, make friends with an Icelander named Oli (Eythor Gudjonsson).

Josh is the "responsible one" or at least that is what the ringleader Paxton says. But how can you believe him? Paxton seems offended when someone else speaks of murder, but doesn't even blink when he chokes a child, runs down three people with a car, maims, tortures or kills someone.

Both of these guys probably think they are very moral too. Especially Josh, who is so homophobic he goes ballistic if another guy even touches him. He also refuses to have sex with a prostitute that has already been paid for, but happily hops into bed with a stranger the next night. Because nobody paid for the second slut, I guess that means she is disease free. Not only that, he would have had some privacy with the employed whore, as opposed to performing in a bed next to his pal Paxton, who is also busy with another tramp. Note: If you are a loser who has to pay for sex and all the sudden women you find attractive are throwing their naked bodies at you, there is probably a catch. What I mean is, even though Josh and Paxton aren't worried about a little thing called AIDS, getting an STD soon becomes the least of their worries.

Oli is just as bad as the two arrogant Americans, but he isn't around long enough for us to really get to know him. We just know he's a deadbeat dad and he loves making Josh uncomfortable by shoving his ass in his face and discussing things like shaving his balls.

Paxton and Josh pretend to care when Oli comes up missing. But in real life they wouldn't give a damn. These guys think the world revolves around them, so I had no problem watching when they were degraded to crying like babies and puking. Paxton especially got under my skin and he ends up being the luckiest. Throughout the entire movie, every time I saw this guy I was reminded of A.C. Slater on "Saved By The Bell." It's not that he was reminiscent of Mario Lopez, it's as if the actual character A.C. Slater went on to be an actor and landed the lead in this film. I swear I was waiting for him to call someone "preppie," but it didn't happen. I will never see that TV show the same again. A.C. Slater never bothered me before, but now that we've got "Saved By The Bell: The Hostel Years" he really annoys me. I was also really disappointed there was no Zack, Kelly, Jessie or Screech.

But we do get a creepy guy that Paxton, Josh and Oli meet on a train. Paxton refers to him as Edward Saladhands. It's not anything that he does in the movie that weirds me out. It's the fact the guy reminds me of a cross between Regis Philban and William Shatner. We also get gangs of little children who would beat the hell out of you for bubblegum. This was one of the better elements of the film, but it is taken a bit too far.

So to review, there's about 45 minutes of unerotic nudity and then about 50 minutes of blood and guts. But nobody is likeable and there's nothing scary. There is also a twist, if you can call it that. It is one that was done better before. I won't spoil "Hostel" by giving you the name of the other film. (So read this hint later. It was directed by a former cinematographer of Spike Lee's and starred a certain infamous rapper.) Hostel's movie poster is also completely misleading. You know the guy wearing a goofy Adam West "Batman" costume holding a chainsaw? Well, he never holds a chainsaw and has that getup on for all of 10 seconds.

Oh yeah, Quentin Tarantino is only an executive producer, one of three, yet he gets a "Quentin Tarantino Presents" credit. Why didn't Scott Spiegel or Boaz Yakin get the same thing? Because even though Spiegel went to high school with Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell and starred in "Skinned Alive," "Robot Ninja" and "Nude Bowling Party," he has never won an Oscar for a screenplay. And though Yakin directed "Fresh" and "Remember the Titans" he isn't known for stylistic violence. And though Eli Roth wrote, directed, produced and seems to me to be the person who is actually presenting here, he isn't Quentin Tarantino.

As I was leaving the theater I thought maybe I was in the wrong frame of mind and it wasn't quite that bad. I overheard a couple talking about "Hostel" and realized it wasn't just me. "I've never been more disgusted in my life," the female said. "Yep. That movie sucked," the male added. So it's not a date movie. Maybe the target audience is the holier than thou, chip on the shoulder guys like Paxton and Josh. Maybe the first half of the movie is their fantasy (going to Mexico, Las Vegas or wherever to party) and the second half is their nightmare (being punished for their sins). Maybe in their world, this is a good movie that keeps them interested, entertained and then scares the hell out of them. Well, I don't live in their world and I don't plan on visiting anytime soon.

- CCF, February 2006