“KING OF THE JEWS” (2006)

Starring: Jesse Smith & Rose Dryden
Written & Directed by Ryen McPherson
Official Website

Polly Staffle Rating: ****

Christians tell us they use the question “What would Jesus do?” so they can always act in a way they feel is morally right. It’s all just a bunch of hypocritical brainwashing propaganda if you ask me. If you are a moral person and can think for yourself, when you’re put in a situation that you must decide between good and evil, do the thoughts of a deceased mythical character with radical beliefs for his time that got him killed really matter? If so, why not “What would David Koresh do?”or “What would an unbathed naked Woodstock hippy that was gunned down at a Vietnam protest rally do?” The bottom line is you don’t need a silly slogan to figure out if shooting someone in the head, stabbing them in the back or causing harm to them in any way is right or wrong. Now, Ryen McPherson (“Bumfights Volume 1: Cause for Concern”) on the other hand raises the question “Who would Jesus do?” To me this is a question worth pondering. Lucky for us, he explores this question in his short film “King of The Jews.”

Think about it, not just who would Jesus do, but what was he into? You know a guy that could walk on water, turn H2O into wine and resurrect himself from the grave had to be into some pretty kinky stuff. And I’m not talking bondage or bestiality, but the guy was born from a virgin vagina and he died for our sins, so he’s all about breaking new ground. No played out fetishes for this cat.

Well, it turns out Jesus is a fan of Las Vegas. I bet most didn’t know that. They probably thought he keeps his distance from Sin City. Whether he is a gambler I’m not sure, but it seems he likes to check himself into The Palms. Of course! It’s the cool hip casino owned by one of the Maloof brothers, frequented by Britney Spears and home to “the world’s most dangerous film festival.” To keep a low profile so his name doesn’t set off any alarms with the media and military being notified, J.C. uses the alias Jew Hefner.

McPherson’s story opens with Jesus alone in his hotel room. Jesus keeps a collection of call girl phone numbers in his briefcase. You know the “stripper to your room” trading-card-like handouts you get on the Strip from people who speak absolutely no English that are probably being paid way under fair wages because they’re probably illegal immigrants? Alright, well, Jesus actually has a huge collection of these. In fact, it appears he has a set for each and every city he travels to. Jesus picks a card and calls for a girl to be sent up.

Jew Hefner

We watch as the pimp of pimps and the player of players gets his groove on with a blonde by the name of Gloria Hole. Yes, this is essentially a pornographic film involving Jesus Christ. But there is absolutely no nudity, no penetration and no money shot. That’s because Jesus loves dry humping. And since he is Jesus Christ, not only does he get off, but he seems to fulfill Gloria as well.

The results are of course pretty damn funny. To me, McPherson has created a brilliant little film that is both a punch in the gut to religion and a slap in the face to the adult industry as well as every Hollywood sex scene that has ever been filmed. It’s like “Lost in Translation” meets “Behind the Green Door.” Although this is a dry-hump porno, it’s something a couple can enjoy together and at the same time I’m sure a number of single guys might use it to get their jerk on. It starts off with Gloria not understanding or enjoying the whole scenario. She thinks Jesus is crazy. He’s outside her normal scope of clients. He doesn’t want her to get naked, he doesn’t want oral or anal or whatever the hell it is you freaks special order to your hotel rooms when you are in town on business trips away from the family. So when Jesus first starts working it, he’s practically raping the poor girl, but soon they are doing any and every imaginable position. Gloria loves every minute of it as she moans and screams with the best of them. She even quickly falls asleep beside Jesus when they are done.

Gloria Hole

You know why Jesus loves him some dry humping? One, who knows what he would catch if he actually had intercourse with a prostitute. He ain’t no dummy. He’s our lord and savior. He invented AIDS. Two, obviously that’s how he was born. It’s in the blood. How else was there an immaculate conception? They didn’t ask Mary if she had dry humped anyone. They asked her if she had sex and she said “no” because she hadn’t. Who knows, maybe Gloria is pregnant with Jesus Jr.

The religious stuff aside, what I found the most amusing about this film was the whole “sex scene with clothes on” element. For the morons out there that think porn is real, maybe “King of the Jews” will teach them a thing or two. Gloria seems to be really enjoying herself as much as Jenna Jameson in any film she’s done. That’s because they are both acting. So can we expect more things like this from one of the original creators of the highly controversial “Bumfights?”

“Certainly not,” McPherson said. “This was a project I wanted to have fun with. There wasn’t much challenge and the thing I hated most was how it was shot very much like a film. Dialogue, controlled lighting, close up, master shot, etc. All that shit makes me soft. I doubt I’ll ever do something as scripted as ‘King of the Jews’ again. Unless I can get a handful of retarded kids to act out ‘Grease’ the musical for me.”

That’s actually a shame because I’d like to see more of the sexual exploits of Jesus. Shot in a few hours on a budget of $250, “King of the Jews” feels more like a small scene from a way bigger piece. I highly enjoyed it, but I simply want more. I don’t think dry humping has really ever been explored and Jesus is far too taboo for the adult industry to touch.

- CCF, July 2006