“PIRATES” (2005)

Starring: Jesse Jane, Carmen Luvana, Janine Lindemulder, Devon, Teagan Presley, Evan Stone, Tommy Gunn, Chris Slater, Austyn Moore & Jenaveve Jolie
Written by Joone (story) & Max Massimo
Directed by Joone

Polly Staffle Rating: *

For those that don’t know, pornographic films of today are not what they were in the 70’s, 80’s or the early 90’s even. Something happened around 1995 or so and a new breed of pornographers started to emerge. Though Jenna Jameson likes to claim she is the reason pornography has gone more mainstream, she is actually a small piece in the puzzle. Canadian Brad Armstrong, who just so happens to be an ex-husband of Jameson’s, and former Mormon missionary James Avalon helped spearhead the movement. These directors seemed to be the first that took the craft of porn serious and actually tried to create more than just smut with their plot-oriented features. With the bar for good adult entertainment having already been raised, all the industry seems to need is a great movie to give it that little extra push to legitimize it much like “The Godfather” did for crime dramas in the 1970’s.

Enter “Pirates.”

A takeoff on the Johnny Depp blockbuster based on the Disney ride, “Pirates” swept the 2006 AVNs, winning 15 awards. Directed by Joone and said to be the most expensive porno ever made, “Pirates” features over 300 special effects with a budget rumored as high as a million dollars. It’s original DVD release was a 3-disc set that cost as much as $70. It evidently was such a good film, the makers decided to cut it down to get an R-rating by the MPAA so it could be purchased at a lower price and easily rented. How thoughtful.

Anyway, I myself am not a huge fan of pirates in general. I like the old Kristy McNichol 80’s musical “The Pirate Movie” and I did enjoy Gore Verbinski’s “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl,” but I highly doubt I will ever get around to seeing the sequel with a bunch of octopuses. That being said, I was more than willing to enjoy a similarly themed movie without the “octo” part. But I didn’t.

“Pirates” is bad. It’s not “The Godfather” of porn at all. In fact, I wouldn’t even call it the “Disco Godfather,” which was a horribly made blaxploitation film many consider Rudy Ray Moore’s worst.

Some male viewers may like this film, but it’s not going to be converting any females into porn watchers. The plot is extremely flimsy and is held together by special effects like a Hollywood summer mega hit. There’s lots of nudity. All female of course and none of the nudity or sex scenes are erotic because they were never intended to be shown the way they are here. They are extremely jumpy and are over quicker than a reprieve in gas prices. I had read this was a film aimed at couples and it is female friendly, but it doesn’t really come off that way to me. There’s maybe one scene the ladies may enjoy. The other thing about this porno is sure it has a plot, but it doesn’t take it self serious. It’s a goofball movie trying for laughs and not getting them.

To top it off, the acting is absolutely horrendous. Jesse Jane leads the pitiful ensemble cast that features too many women that look the same. Jane looks and sounds a lot like Daisy Duck. You know? Donald’s girlfriend. Daisy may even be more fun to watch. They both wear about the same amount of clothes and when Jane lisps and spits all over herself, it’s not entertaining. It’s actually quite painful. Tommy Gunn’s Captain Victor Stagnetti, which actually sounds like a good character name for “The Sopranos,” is supposed to come off is a mix of Depp’s Jack Sparrow and Geoffry Rush’s Barbossa. I am guessing, but the results are more Osama bin Laden crossed with Marilyn Manson and Lou Ferrigno.

Janine Lindemulder is the casts’ lone standout. I’m not sure if it’s because the rest of the acting was so bad, but she seems like an Oscar winner in this film. I’ve never seen anything she’s done before that I know of, but she’s evidently been around awhile and even got her start in “real” movies. She was in the Spring Break film “Lauderdale” and the women in prison Erik Estrada movie “Caged Fear,” both in 1989. Lindemulder isn’t a Jenna Jameson or Angelina Jolie knockoff like the rest of the cast either. She’s more Lisa Marie Presley or Ashley Judd then the stereotypical blonde, overdone makeup, puffy lips having porn stars of today.

The only other positive I can really say about “Pirates” is the skeletons are cute. So if you accidentally rent this for family film night, you’ve got that to look forward to. However, the skeletons are just kind of thrown in near the film’s finale for no reason other than to have an expensive special effect. I’m not so sure how expensive since they are very fake looking when they first appear. They either began to improve or I adjusted to them shortly, but the pirate hunters get off the evil island and the pissed off skeletons throw down their swords like little pouting brats that didn’t get the exact flavor of ice cream they wanted. There were better digital skeletons in “Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams” and that film is probably more appropriate for the youngsters anyway. So rent that one for the kiddies and if you want a dirty film to share with the wife, bypass the over hyped “Pirates” and grab something directed by Armstrong (“Crossroads”) or Avalon (“Red Vibe Diaries: Object of Desire”).

- CCF, July 2006