QUENTIN TARANTINO'S MENTOR

DOV S-S SIMENS

Dov S-S Simens has been called the “Champion of Independent Filmmakers.” He’s the self-proclaimed greatest film teacher in the world and claims to have launched 3,000 careers. He also says graduates of his two-day film school have grossed over six billion dollars. Former students include Guy Ritchie, Quentin Tarantino, Baz Luhrman and Kevin Smith. Simens of course lays claim to all of these directors and various other entertainers like Michael Jackson, Will Smith, and Theo from “The Cosby Show,” but points out that he doesn’t teach talent. Oh, and Spike Lee, an NYU graduate, Robert Rodriguez, who attended the University of Texas, and Roger Corman, the producer of over 350 movies, are past students as well. I got the chance to get a little preview of this great sensei at Screenwriting Expo 5 during a 90-minute session called “Writers’ Film School: Part 1.” Yes, there was a second half to the session, but Simens is so egotistical that I don’t think I could have listened to him talk for another second.

Simens is very much a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” character. He actually made a lot of sense and obviously knows what he’s talking about, but everything he says isn’t as “groundbreaking” as he wants you to believe. Audio taping his lecture was prohibited because, as he pointed out, people that want to have him come speak must pay thousands of dollars. More annoying than his ego was his delivery. He would talk in a low monotone voice and then without warning scream at the top of his lungs. I’m sure I wouldn’t have got podcast-worthy audio had I recorded his talk anyway.

I’ll admit, at first Simens seemed funny. He was sort of likeable in a weird Calhoun Tubbs “I wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it goes!” sort of way. One of the first questions he asked the room was who knew how to buy film to shoot their movie and how much would it cost. No one had a clue. He had our attention and the point was taken. But the more he talked, it became evident he wasn’t just trying to share knowledge; he just enjoys putting people in their place. He would scream out of nowhere and repeat over and over things like, “Epiphany! Epiphany! Epiphany! Epiphany! Epiphany!” or “You want to be an independent filmmaker? Make an independent film! You want to be an independent filmmaker? Make an independent film!” or “First make a film, then make a deal. First make a film, then make a deal. Epiphany!” Okay, broken record - we heard you the first time. It goes without saying, after about 30 minutes of this, you are all epiphany-ed out. Truthfully, I’m not sure how someone as hyper as Tarantino bit his tongue and sat through two days of this.

Simens didn’t seem to make too many fans right off the bat when he said all writers are wimps, hypocrites and liars and that if they want a job where they get respect and more money then he suggests they change professions.

“You want more money?” Simens asked. “WE’RE NOT GIVING IT TO YOU!!!!!!! Shakespeare complained about it! Aristotle complained about! Plato complained about it! Socrates complained about it! I guarantee there were cave men that complained about it!”

Once he got insults like that and the fact movies are about making money and not making art pounded through the room’s skull, he addressed a few interesting things. His talk mostly consisted of breaking down the four different types of budgets. Simens said what we are told the movies cost in the media is a load crap. “It’s none of our business what they cost,” he yelled.

The first group of films are the mega budgets like “Jurassic Park,” “Water World” and “War of the Worlds.” Studios claim these special effects-oriented films cost in the hundred millions. “‘Jurassic Park’ - two hundred million?” Simens asked. “No way guys. To hire a few geeks to sit in a room and work with computer programs? No way Jose.” It’s all a marketing ploy to get people out to see the films. Hollywood is about renting seats, selling sugar and making as much money as possible, so they use any tactics they can. Simens said to forget those types of movies anyway. Anybody with anywhere near $100 million in their pocket doesn’t need to sit through one of his courses.

The second budget group consists of the “two number films” or movies with “hyphen budgets.” Theses are the films that are toted as costing $40-60 million, $20-30 million, etc. “You think they don’t know how much it cost them?” Simens asked. “There was 20 million here yesterday, anybody seen it?” Regardless, forget about those as well.

The third batch are the million dollar movies. Siemens said anytime someone says a movie cost one million dollars that means it was made for somewhere around $200-$300 thousand.

“The problem with first timers that never become first timers is they are trying and trying to make a deal,” Siemens said. “First make a film then you make a deal. Hollywood will finance anyone if you are marketable. Just make a film.”

This is the area Simens suggests first time directors shoot for. Take your dream script that calls for millions of dollars and set it aside and come up with a $200,000 script. For that much money he says you can shoot it on 35mm over 18 days, filming 5 pages per day. Siemens suggests trying to get a low rent movie star for a day or two so there is at least some type of star appeal. Stay away from TV actors though because nobody wants to pay to see celebrities they see for free all the time. You are going to need a crew, so he suggests hiring a director of photography that has worked on movies and knows what he is doing. Basically, he’ll take care of everything. He’ll get you the people you need and they will then take care of the technical aspects. The end. There’s your movie. That’s his advice. Take your finished film to a studio and get a million dollars for your $200,000 project. Easy peezy.

Now, most independent filmmakers of course fall into the fourth category – micro and nobudget films. This includes anything that cost $50,000 or less. This is where you are if you have no funds. All efforts should be put towards making features, Siemens said. He says forget about short films. He has a point in saying short films can not be sold no matter how good they are, but at the same time I don’t necessarily agree. They give experience and they show off what you can do.

“Don’t tell me where the industry’s going,” Siemens said. “I know it! I’m going it there!”

Siemens also didn’t seem to be that big a fan of digital, but said “film is cheap and tape is almost free” so there aren’t any excuses.

His advice was to go rent digital equipment, but not to use the microphones the cameras come with. Think up a concept that takes place in one room in real time and go there and start shooting. Ninety minutes later you have a movie.

“Hitchcock did it,” Siemens said. “Go rent ‘Rope.’ Watch it. Hitchcock - he’s the biggest con artist in the history of film.”

Just make sure to put in “five uh oh’s, five oh shits’ and one oh my god,” he added.

So to summarize, all writers are liars and complainers, use a budget of $200,000, hire a crew to do all the work and Alfred Hitchcock is a con artist. Epiphany! You got that? Here’s the thing, if you know absolutely nothing about filmmaking and your goal is to make a movie, I think his ideas are right on. But if you are actually trying to jump start a career, I don’t think his advice is really that sound. The fact is there are a lot of finished good films out there already that have not been bought up by studios and that is definitely something to consider. The cheaper it gets to make a movie, the more competition you will have. I personally don’t think the $200,000 route is the way to go at all. Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel the days of “Clerks” and “Reservoir Dogs” are gone now that digital is here.

As for Simens, I personally wouldn’t recommend attending his two-day course for whatever the hell it costs. You do get a nifty independent filmmaker graduation certificate and a producer’s diploma that will look good framed and hanging on your wall, but you can print yourself one of those at home. Since I’m not suggesting anyone enrolling for his global tour dates, I sure as hell don’t think anyone should buy his 16 DVD set for $395. I wouldn’t even recommend buying a bootlegged audio tape of one of his lectures off eBay. But what do I know? I’m not the greatest film teacher in the world. Maybe now I should start doing some film lecturing though. I could take a page from the Tenacious D book and call my class “Tribute.”

- CCF, December 2006