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PREDICTING THE NIGHT OF THE OSCARS

BEST ACTOR

The Nominees:
Leonardo DiCaprio in “Blood Diamond”
Ryan Gosling in “Half Nelson”
Peter O’Toole in “Venus”
Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happyness”
Forest Whitaker in “The Last King of Scotland”

CCF: The “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” nominated for stealing one of Morgan Freeman’s roles? ... I also had no idea Peter O’Toole was still alive. I think the Academy is actually shocked he’s still making movies as he received an Honorary Oscar five years ago... Forest Whitaker and Ryan Gosling are both long over due for nominations, but will this be either’s year? Or will the Oscar finally go to Leonardo DiCaprio, who was robbed of the award in 1993 when he had his best performance in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.” I would be fine with Arnie finally getting his due. ... When will Joseph Gordon-Levitt get a nod?

SHANE: Yeah, “Mysterious Skin” and “Manic,” c’mon! Give it to Joseph, even though he wasn’t nominated he deserves it anyways.

CCF: Hey, he had “Brick.” I loved it.

SHANE: Yeah, Joesph was great in “Brick.” Just shows his range so much. Dorky boy in “Brick,” and in “Manic - crazy boy - and in “Mysterious Skin” - gay boy. All completely believable. I didn’t really like the film though. I loved the music and the dialogue but I couldn’t get past the fact that kids were speaking it. I wanted to love it but I couldn’t. Kinda how some people can’t stand the film grain effect in my movie (“Amateur Porn Star Killer”) cause it was shot on video, but some people can move past that and see that it’s part of the character. I wanted to be open to that in “Brick,” but it just didn’t work for me. Oh well, Joseph Gordon-Levitt was great though.

CCF: Back to the nominees… Did you see all of these as well?

SHANE: I actually only saw “Blood Diamond” and “Happyness.” Right off the bat I’m confused about “Diamond” because DiCaprio was far better in “The Departed.” I just felt like he was acting in “Diamond.” I mean, he couldn’t get the fucking accent down. This is the same thing that killed it for me with “Gangs of New York.” But he did nail down “The Departed” role, so I’m just lost with their pick for this one. And I’m also lost why Leo is sometimes great at BEING LOST in the role, and sometimes just losing the role completely to his phony accents. As far as Will Smith, I actually thought he was really good in this and I surprisingly like the film a lot, but if he were to win it should have been for “Ali,” so, sorry Will. I’m guessing Forest Whitaker. It would be nice to see him win, I’ve always liked this guy, and odds seem to be in his favor. But Ryan Gosling is who I really wanted to see. But again, great looking films like this don’t get released near me, we get fucking “Night at the Museum.”

CCF: (LOL) So no nominations for “Night at the Museum”?

SHANE: I think “Night at the Museum” gets an award for cheering me up cause I got in a fight with my girlfriend, she ditched me, so I figured I’d go see a terrible looking movie where I didn’t have to think, cause it’s mindless popcorn entertainment. And “Night at the Museum” worked. I felt a little better. Lame, lame ass movie though. Probably Ben Stiller’s worst, though it’s his biggest moneymaker yet. Seems to happen that way. “National Treasure” was Nicholas Cage’s worst film, yet his highest grossing, blah.

CCF: Help us out John. Who gets the Oscar?

JRH: I’ve heard really great things about the film “Blood Diamond” but something about the title makes me want to never see it. Perhaps I associate it with the “Bloodstone” from the “Subspecies” films and personally, the “Bloodstone” subplot was the weakest part of those movies. It was weaker than those fucking gremlins that had like two scenes in “Subspecies” one before they were dumped, and that was some superb stop-motion so that was a damn shame. So I don’t want to have anything to do with gremlins and stones and blood and diamonds. Given these facts, I reject Mr. DeCaprio’s performance. I don’t know who Ryan Gosling is but he looks like a nice man, and every time someone mentions Will Smith I think about “William Smith,” that tough-looking guy who was in all those seventies films. I wish they would nominate him. He has a scratchy voice that makes him sound like the devil. Peter O’Toole kicks ass. I love the trailer for “Venus” and that poster with O’Toole on it looks really nice. He’s so old that he looks like a fucking vampire, but I tell you this - he’s the greatest acting vampire-looking guy that we have left in this stinking world. I would give it to O’Toole but they already bestowed that honorary Oscar on him and O’Toole is so great that he’s really beyond all this awards bullshit so it wouldn’t make a difference to him. The definitive Idi Amin will most likely always be Joseph Olita. Remember when Olita-as-Amin met with this Arch Bishop and got bored with him so he blew his brains out? Then he put the brains in the fridge for later? I thought that was a funny scene though I have a weird sense of humor, I admit this. I have only seen the trailer for Whittaker’s movie, thus I feel he trumps Olita and casts a more human dimension on the infamous figure. So Whitaker all the way with this one. Also, Whitaker seems to have a lazy eye and so do I, hence I must support him.

CCF: So two votes Whitaker and one vote Arnie Grape.

OREN: I don’t know what to say about this... It should have gone to Sacha Baron Cohen by a landslide. But the Academy very rarely acknowledges comedy as quality filmmaking. No other actor has immersed himself in a character this year as much as he did and no one took it as far. If he did the same thing in a dramatic film about life in Kazakhstan he would have been up there. But for what it’s worth, Whitaker takes it.

ARROW IN THE HEAD: I haven’t seen any of these but can still tell ya that fellow Canuck Ryan Gosling should win! The dude started off on that tacky teen-bop TV show “Breaker High” and now has carved himself a respectful career. That in itself is a feat of epic proportions! He owns and deserves his props! Will “Two Tricks Pony” Smith bores me. Always has, always will. I just don’t get his appeal!

CCF: Lisa, who you got?

SOCIALITE’S LIFE: This is a case of me not having had seen ANY of the movies mentioned and I’m therefore going to have to use less-than-logical means here to determine my guess. I’m going to go with Peter O’Toole as the winner here because he’s old, British and might die at any moment. I think the Academy is acutely aware of that.

CCF: Vampires are immortal so Peter O’Toole will be back next year. Best Actor Pick: FOREST WHITAKER.

SUPPORTING ACTOR

The Nominees:
Alan Arkin in “Little Miss Sunshine”
Jackie Earle Haley in “Little Children”
Djimon Hounsou in “Blood Diamond”
Eddie Murphy in “Dreamgirls”
Mark Wahlberg in “The Departed”

CCF: Interesting batch of actors here. But my vote goes to Marky Mark. Not for “The Departed,” but for “Fear” and “Boogie Nights.”

SHANE: (LOL) Those are also my two favorite Marky Mark films. A pumped up, psycho in “Fear,” straight to a skinny kid with a big dick and whinny voice in “Boogie Nights.” Love those films, though “Four Brothers” is right behind them. I think he should win for not even being nominated for “Boogie Nights” when Burt Reynolds was, but I absolutely loved the other four nominations. Djimon Hounsou really delivers the goods. But if Eddie Murphy’s gonna win an Oscar, it’s sure gonna get killed with more shit like “Norbit” so he better hope for it now. Like I said before, Jackie is the man, but Alan Arkin was the best thing about “Little Miss Sunshine.” I think I actually respect these nominations.

CCF: So props to Arkin and Wahlberg, but Djimon is the man… What say ye Arrow?

ARROW IN THE HEAD: I say give it to Eddie Murphy. Not for “Dreamgirls” but for “The Golden Child.” Fun freaking “so bad its good” movie!

CCF: A former “Saturday Night Live” comedian for work he did in “The Golden Child,” Marky Mark for “Boogie Nights,” Arkin or Djimon? John, what are your thoughts?

JRH: I like Alan Arkin and it’s about time they nominated him again for something. I like his hair very much. He’s not my pick, however. I like Mark Wahlberg but fuck him, he doesn’t deserve shit. I hate to be rude here but this kind of arithmetic “we’re awarding you an award for another award we didn’t give you six years ago” reeks of conspiracy and evil things. I mean face it, there’s a million great actors working their ass off in “The Departed” and Mark tip-toes through the film and then at the end plays Mr. Denouement like the fairy godmother. No Ray Winstone nomination means no Wahlberg happy-thingie-me-e. In the past, everbody’s been down on Eddie for picking up the transsexual prostitutes but if you heard them when they were interviewed on Howard Stern you would know that Eddie didn’t have sex with them. He just paid them to tell stories about their lives while he masturbated. Totally normal stuff. Even though Jack Earl Haley sounds like a beautiful name I say give it to Eddie and give it to him hard. Sometimes I think these actor categories should be decided through the penis length of all nominees, though I understand how obtaining objective measurements might prove difficult. Also, in the case of Wahlberg we know he’s no stranger to cinematic enhancement of his genitalia so god only knows how this idea might pan out.

CCF: Okay, I think I am at a loss for words... Oren?

OREN: I have no clue who this goes to, but I’d give it to Eddie Murphy, just for the sake of seeing him win an Academy Award.

SOCIALITE’S LIFE: Loved Mark Wahlberg in “The Departed.” Then again, the only other pictures I saw in this category were “Dreamgirls” and “Little Miss Sunshine.” I liked Alan Arkin and I thought Eddie Murphy did fairly well, but super-serious and gritty always beats funny, and even though Arkin had a drug problem and died, I still think Wahlberg’s gonna get the nod.

CCF: Sadly, it looks like Marky Mark’s dick will be left in the dirt for at least another year. Supporting Actor Pick: EDDIE MURPHY.

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