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PREDICTING THE NIGHT OF THE OSCARS

BEST DIRECTOR

The Nominees:
Alejandro González Iñárritu - “Babel”
Martin Scorsese - “The Departed”
Clint Eastwood - “Letters from Iwo Jima”
Stephen Frears - “The Queen”
Paul Greengrass - “United 93”

CCF: I know some of you are still trying to get over the disappointment that Larry Clark’s “Wassup Rockers” didn’t get a single nomination... Nah, I’m just playing. God that movie sucked... Anyway, doesn’t Clint Eastwood have enough awards yet? Do they have to keep nominating him? Same goes for poor Scorsese, must they taunt the guy with the possibility that they might recognize him? He wasn’t even nominated in 1977 for “Taxi Driver” and any other time he was, he was left in the cold. I have a feeling Paul Greengrass will be the man here...

SHANE: I told ya not to see that piece of trash! (LOL) I would have anyway too, cause Larry’s got a couple of good films in there. If they don’t finally give Scorsese his Oscar, they might as well give him the gun to blow his brains out cause I don’t think he can take anymore of that taunting, it’s been going on for like 30 years already. Yeah, Clint’s surely got enough and more films on the way, he’s kinda tired with his directing like Meryl Streep is with her acting nominations. In this case, I don’t think “The Queen” stands a chance, thank God! Though Stephan Frears has far better films under his belt. “Babel,” yet again, could be the winner, but I’m really hoping Scorsese gets it just for his own good. Though there may be a wild card with “United 93,” a film, I thought, was directed with perfection. We’ll see!

JRH: I would like to say Alejandro González Iñárritu but I don’t know how to. Of course I could try but I’d screw it up and I like to get these names correct.

CCF: (LOL)

JRH: My pick will be Paul Greengrass as well just because nobody else will pick him and he probably feels sad. I don’t want people to feel sad.

OREN: Scorsese is like Susan Lucci, the soap opera star who was nominated as best actress for “All My Children” almost every year since 1979 and finally won in 1999 after 18 nominations. I feel that this is Scorsese’s 1999. He wins. “The Departed” is a far cry from his best work but whatever, it made enough money to be acknowledged by the Academy so give him the damn award already! But I would never mind seeing Eastwood go on stage and pick an award, even if “Iwo Jima” isn’t his best work, the man is a great director and the coolest person alive. When he’s on-screen, I’m calm.

ARROW IN THE HEAD: Give it to Martin Scorsese already…for “Goodfellas” and “Raging Bull.” He deserves it for those films alone. Him getting the statuette would also end the global rant that is: “Scorsese is always being cheated by the Academy” once and for all. As for Larry Clark, he should win 25 years to life in a maximum-security prison filled with horny, burly men and no lube in sight. Why? For making the same damn film over and over again, i.e. teeny porn hiding under the “art card.” Do something else already! We get it! You like naked teens, drugs and teen sex! Can we move on already! Sheesh!

CCF: (LOL)

SOCIALITE’S LIFE: Gonna say it’s either Clint Eastwood or Paul Greengrass. And my money’s going to go on Paul Greengrass cause even though Clint came out with a WWII movie, gotta go with the American heroics as to my guess as to what the Academy’s going to recognize.

CCF: Looks like we have a tie. Either Greengrass will be sad or Scorsese will go all Travis Bickle on somebody. I shall have to use my Magic 8-Ball to break the tie. Great Magic 8-Ball, will it be Paul Greengrass, snatching the brass, like a snake in the grass, biting the naysayers on the ass?

MAGIC 8-BALL: Are you kidding?

CCF: I’m not quite sure why I felt the need to rap that question by the way… Ok, so then it must be Scorsese. Is that who wins?

MAGIC 8-BALL: Signs point to yes.

CCF: There you have it. No gay cowboy movie in his way this year and the Academy finally pulls through after seven nominations so the Don of mafia movies can party like it’s 1999. Best Director: MARTIN SCORSESE.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

CCF: Lastly, if you had the power to add award categories to the Oscars or The Pollies for that matter, what would be some things you would suggest?

SOCIALITE’S LIFE: Best YouTube Video of the year. And let me tell you, Richard Simmons is in some of the BEST of them.

JRH: There’s a few areas which they could steal from other award shows; perhaps a best ensemble award is in order, or possibly break up the best film category into different genres? That sounds kind of stupid though, hence it’s probably a very fine idea. I always wanted to see an award for “best award” or “best awarded.” You might poll all the other crappy award events and picks the ones with the nicest names. I think a few of those “Independent Spirit” award names would be solid contenders. For “best awarded” you could pick the guy or gal who gave the best acceptance speech, which has many parameters - was it funny? Not too long/short? Did make a timely allusion to “the troops”? I’m sure someone wants to find a winner for that award and I’m pretty sure the winner will not be named Michael nor David nor Allen, but I have no evidence to support this and thus it only strengthens my argument two-fold.

OREN: I feel as there are enough categories, I mean... let’s not turn it into The Grammys. But for the sake of it, if it may help the genre rise back to it’s 1970’s glory, I’d add an award for Best Adult Film. But the rules for submission would be very strict and a picture would have to be shot on 35mm and have some artistic value. It’s tricky as to who or how “artistic value” would be monitored but since this will never happen anyway, it doesn’t really matter.

CCF: (LOL) Best Adult Film? What do you think Shane?

SHANE: How about Best Blow Job scene? Kidding. “Brown Bunny” would win for sure, cause you can actually see the blow job! Plus, who wouldn’t want one from Chloe? How about Most Wooden Actor? Paul Walker or Keanu. They really do need a Best Action category. I mean, c’mon, we got Best Visual Effects, Cinematography, Sound Design, what about the Stunt Men, the guys who risk their lives to bring us popcorn entertainment from a safely structured, air-conditioned theatre! Bob Brown is one worthy dude. He stunt coordinated “Man on Fire,” “Mission Impossible 2,” “The Chronicles of Riddick,” and about 25 other films and did stunts for “Pearl Harbor,” “Windtalkers,” “Enemy of the State,” etc., etc. No awards or even a single nomination for all those great stunts and action sequences? Boo, Academy. Now, a film that wasn’t nominated for Best Picture, or even Best Documentary, hell, it wasn’t even rated! “This Film is Not Yet Rated” is a film that must be seen by anybody into films, or art in general and was completely over-looked. Why? Because it proves we’re a nation open to blowing people’s heads off but not the other kind of blow. Sorry, I don’t mean drugs. I mean giving oral pleasure to our spouse. Just watch the film and find out why “Boys Don’t Cry” got an NC-17 originally. Or how John Waters, for that matter, can’t even talk about sex in his films. But James Bond can kill 100 people in a PG-13 movie, with no consequences. Yeah, my point exactly. Something’s wrong here.

CCF: All right. Well, that’s going to close Polly Staffle’s first try at “Predicting the Night of the Oscars.” No need to watch the show now since we just told you the winners. Right, Oren?

OREN: The real reason to watch the ceremony this year is Ennio Morricone receiving an Honorary Oscar! Now there’s something to celebrate. I don’t remember being this excited about an Honorary Oscar, although Altman came very close. I couldn’t have planned it better myself.

CCF: Fine, watch the damn show anyway. I’d like to thank my panel. To quote the world’s third most annoying talk show host Greg Behrendt, “You rock. Keep rocking and rock on.” And to everybody else, thanks for reading.

- CCF, February 2007